Why Am I Not Surprised

After years or searching and trying new products, I've finally found face products I really love.  When it comes to washing my face, I have always been a traditional Noxzema girl.  It works and I've never had a problem with my complexion.  In all honestly, I'm not twenty anymore and thought it was time to change up my routine and since I quit smoking, I wanted to try an exfoliator.  I know it sounds crazy but I'm still trying to scrub off twenty years of cigarettes.  Yuck.

I recently started using Vickery & Clarke products from CVS.  I love this line.  My skin has been a bit "off" lately and I blame it on the summer (have to blame it on something).  I bought the facial scrub and was shocked at the results.  Even Hubby said my skin had a real glow to it.  Well, after compliments like that I bought the facial moisturizer in both dry & oily skin because the ocean water and sun were leaving my face looking a bit blotchy.  LOVED THEM!!!  After that, I bought the lip gloss and a few other products from the line.  I was sold.  I haven't been this happy with a product in a long time and I swear I look younger.

Guess what?  Wait for it......DISCONTINUED.  Yes you read it correctly, The entire Vickery and Clarke line has been discontinued and I'm besides myself.  I know it's not a big deal and if this is my biggest problem of the day I have a sweet life but I'm pretty bummed.  I remember when I was younger, I would go and buy all different types of beauty products and loved using each and everyone of them.  Now I'm lucky if I have time for a quick five minute shower a day.   I just laugh at the whole scenario.   I have been really stressed lately and quite a few people have been telling me I need to take a few minutes at night just for me and I would be amazed at what a difference it would make.  How right they were!  So in a nutshell....if you see and Vickery & Clarke products anywhere be sure to let me know.  I'm literally going to buy out all the remaining V&C stock.

There was something else I wanted to bellyache about but I just can't seem to remember at the moment...

Going Once....

Wow.  Can I say my child has just about pushed me over the edge today.  I don't know what went wrong.  We all woke up in great moods, went out and bought new car seats and then BAM!...all hell broke loose.  I really can't figure it out.  Big Boy had one of his worst meltdowns in a long time.  The only thing I was thankful for (in my own selfish way) was Hubby was a witness to the fiasco.  

After we left TRU, we ventured over to Target because I needed to pick up a few last minute things for BB since he goes back to school on Tuesday.  I should have known it was going downhill when he threw a fit over his new carseat.  He wanted his old one and since that was out of the question a pissing contest ensued.  As soon as we got into Target his brain went into overdrive and that was it.  Normally, I would have been able to bring him out of it but I think having Hubby with us threw a wrench in the situation.  I could see Hubby starting to lose it and compound that by BB flipping out and I had one big old soup sandwich of a family on my hands.

After I put my basket down (luckily I only had two or three things in it) getting BB out of the store became a contact sport and Hubby was on the losing end.  I truly felt sorry for him.  He hasn't really experienced one of BB's public meltdowns and I could tell he was heartbroken.  I was finally able to bring BB out of it just before we got home but even afterwards, all he wanted to do was push buttons.

Bedtime has once again become a battle of will.  BB was doing so great  and now he is back to fighting it tooth and nail.  I have to say, my spirit is broken.  I know he doesn't mean it and he is long over due for one of these episodes (luckily, they don't last too long) but they still hurt.  Poor hubby had so many fun things planned today as a surprise and nixed them all.  I can't blame him but I guess part of me is glad he saw it first hand.  BB had such a great day on the beach yesterday and was so well behaved that today was such a shock to us.

Anyway, school starts up again Tuesday and we are all praying once BB gets back in the swing of things with his regular school year teachers, we'll see a change in his behavior.  I feel terrible for venting like this but it jut feels good to get some of this stress off of my chest once in awhile.  **Sigh**

Light A Candle, Say A Prayer

It's been two years. Two years ago today, my oldest brother lost his battle to a cancer that he had been fighting for ten years. I wasn't sure how I would feel today. I think more than anything I feel overwhelmed. I look at Big Boy and I'm sad he will never get to know his Uncle Kenny. I think of my mother and only now, after being a mother myself, can I imagine how she feels yet, I pray I never know exactly how she feels. I have four other brothers who I'm sure, are all dealing with this in their own private way, trying to be strong for their own children. I want to call my sister in law and my niece but I'm sure they want to be left alone. I know they are still trying to pick up the pieces. Even two years later.

I have a difficult time expressing my feelings so when I came across a website which allows you to light a candle for someone you may have lost in your life or simply for someone you love who may be in the need of a prayer, I began doing just that. Unfortunately, I don't get to church nearly as often as I should and this allows me to light a candle and pray for someone in my won way, as weird as it may be. If you would like to light a candle for Kenny, you can search the group under the initials KH.

Thymic Cancer is such a rare cancer, many people have never even heard of it. I doctor friend of mine even told me my brother was the only case he had ever heard of in his thirty plus years of practicing medicine. This is a great site if you would like to learn more or make a donation to Thymic Cancer Research.

We all love and miss you very much Kenny.

Thanks. You Could Have At Least Bought Us Dinner.

Before you screwed us into the ground. I knew our entire township was having our homes and property re-assessed but I really wasn't worried. I figured at most, with everything that is going on with the housing market our taxes might go up a few hundred dollars more a year. Yeah, it would hurt but such is life. I never expected for them to go up an additional $1700.00 on top of what we already pay.

How is this possible. Just about everyone we know who lives in the same township as us (except they don't live on the island) had their taxes lowered. Yup, you read that correctly, lowered. I guess those of us who live over here are expected to carry the extra financial weight of the rest of the township? Great theory except.......we can't afford these taxes. I don't know what on earth we are going to do. I have a meeting set up next Thursday to appeal this but who knows what will come of it. I know everyone who lives over here is fighting, fighting to be able to keep a roof over our heads. Some people even had their taxes doubled. Is this legal? Can they do this?

I am so sad. What a week. My truck needs four new tires and we found mold in the bathroom which has to be taken care of IMMEDIATELY. They say everything happens in threes so all I can do is pray that this is it. Wish us luck.

Farewell President Bush....

I for one, am terribly sad to see you leave office. You have kept our country safe and there is no thanks big enough to give you for that. You held your head high even when many in this country turned their back on you. You were a wonderful President and if President Obama is half the man you are, then maybe we don't have anything to worry about.

For anyone who is interested...here is a great site where you can thank President Bush for his eight years of service.

Dear Surfer Magazine,

Take the hint. We do not wish to renew our subscription. Seriously, how many articles on Kelly Slater can one person read in their life. I will admit that I'll definitely miss the unbelievable photos but enough is enough. The entire magazine is basically ads now anyway. Yes, offering to give me a three year subscription for the price of one is a great deal but....the answer is still no. Of course, I haven't told Hubby yet but I since I don't think he'll notice, I'm really not worried.
Anyway, thanks for all the years of great photos and some pretty cool articles but I'm sorry to say that it's time to say goodbye.

A Tragic Day For Our Country

I don't even know what to say. I have never been so scared for the next four years in all my life. At least I don't have to worry about my husband badgering me for sex for awhile since we will both be getting screwed for the next four years.

2012 can't come soon enough.

Oh No...

It's not looking good for McCain. I literally have a knot in my stomach watching the returns. I'll stay strong and keep praying for a miracle.

A Moment of Weakness

I had to run some errands earlier and I promised Bog Boy we would pick him up something small from TRU. Since having the hysterectomy in June, I always steer clear of the infant isles an any store I go to. It just makes things easier. I guess I must have been daydreaming today because before I knew it I looked up and was surrounded by bassinets and little baby hats and booties.

I felt sick, physically ill. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. For some reason, I continued to look around at all the things I will never need again. I noticed some new products and some old favorites that I couldn't live without when BB was an infant. All the while, I was fighting off being sick right in the store.

Does this make me a terrible person. I know I am so unbelievably lucky to have my son and I would die for him. I just wonder if I did the right thing having this hysterectomy? Sure, I was always sick and in constant pain but, could I have tried a few more cycles of Lupron? Maybe I could have given a different birth control a chance? Part of me feels something could have been done to control the endometriosis which caused my infertility. Did my body just give up?

I have an attic full of baby clothes, toys and equipment that could easily be donated somewhere but I just can't bring myself to go up there and sort through it. I have tons of maternity clothes just collecting dust. I refuse to give them away. When will I start to feel whole again. When will I forgive myself for not being able to give BB a little brother or sister.

I'm sure over time I will begin to feel better about all this but right I'm in a bad place. I need to figure out how to get past all of this and not look back.

Goodnight Pool

I feel so guilty right now. Big boy is asleep and we are closing the pool. He is going to be so sad when he realizes there is no more swimming this summer for him. He is not feeling well right now so he wouldn't be able to swim until at least Wednesday and the temperature is supposed to drop into the fifties the next few nights. The water will be way to cold for him....right?

I am trying to justify this anyway I can. I feel so bad.

The Symbol of Hope

During a time when our county was overcome by grief, fear and anger, a symbol was found in the rubble of the World Trade Center. A cross.

The cross has brought peace and comfort to many who have visited ground zero, many who were never able to bury the remains of the loved one they lost. I may be in the minority in this but I think about that day often. For months after Sept. 11, I was like a scared puppy. I hated coming home from work late because I didn't want to be alone in case something else happened. However, when I read the story of the cross, I felt comforted, not just for me but everyone.

I hope to visit Ground Zero when the cross is brought back and placed within the memorial permanently.

I found this poem earlier, written about that day and it is so overwhelming because now that I am a Mother, I feel so terrible for all the children who lost a parent on that morning.


SPECIAL GARDEN (A Child cry to his Daddy)

In my garden, I will plant some of Daddy's things

The hat he wears for his favorite baseball team.

His special notes he wrote to me.

His favorite songs he likes to sing.

His special collect cars he bought last spring.

His favorite tie that has grease stains.

His favorite fishing pole, even though he has never caught anything.

And I'm going to plant some of my tears, these come from me.

Every night before I go to sleep,

will go out to my special garden and pray over Daddy's things.

(c)copyright Natasha Flowers 2002

I guess what I am trying to say is, though I didn't lose anyone that day, I hope the Cross will give those who did comfort, in knowing their loved one is with God.

A Solemn Day

A day our country will never forget. As I was watching the replay of the morning of September 11th on MSNBC , a range of emotions flooded me and my mind did not know which to process first. I looked at big boy eating his breakfast as happy as can be and thanked God for giving him to me and then felt guilt for all the children who lost a parent on that morning of hell.

Every year, I watch and it is as if I am seeing the footage for the first time. Honestly, on the anniversary of this day, I don't think anything else should be on the television except memorial services. Unfortunately, we do live in an ADD nation and I am afraid one day people will forget.