Thursday, October 16, 2008

A Moment of Weakness

I had to run some errands earlier and I promised Bog Boy we would pick him up something small from TRU. Since having the hysterectomy in June, I always steer clear of the infant isles an any store I go to. It just makes things easier. I guess I must have been daydreaming today because before I knew it I looked up and was surrounded by bassinets and little baby hats and booties.

I felt sick, physically ill. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. For some reason, I continued to look around at all the things I will never need again. I noticed some new products and some old favorites that I couldn't live without when BB was an infant. All the while, I was fighting off being sick right in the store.

Does this make me a terrible person. I know I am so unbelievably lucky to have my son and I would die for him. I just wonder if I did the right thing having this hysterectomy? Sure, I was always sick and in constant pain but, could I have tried a few more cycles of Lupron? Maybe I could have given a different birth control a chance? Part of me feels something could have been done to control the endometriosis which caused my infertility. Did my body just give up?

I have an attic full of baby clothes, toys and equipment that could easily be donated somewhere but I just can't bring myself to go up there and sort through it. I have tons of maternity clothes just collecting dust. I refuse to give them away. When will I start to feel whole again. When will I forgive myself for not being able to give BB a little brother or sister.

I'm sure over time I will begin to feel better about all this but right I'm in a bad place. I need to figure out how to get past all of this and not look back.

5 comments:

Princess Peaches said...

I don't have the right words to say. I wish I could make you feel better. I am sorry.

Emmy said...

I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard that was for you.

You know though, there's probably a baby out there waiting for a forever family that would make a perfect brother or sister!

Amanda - Top or Bottom of the World said...

**Huge Hugs Friend**

Tempest Mom said...

Just break my heart why don't you!?! I'm so sorry you are going through this and the truth is, it IS unjust!!! No woman as young as you are should face those kinds of feelings.. {{{{Big Hugs Friend}}}}}

Rebecca said...

:(

I wish I had answers for these kinds of things. I never do though. If there's a reason, I don't know what it is.

If you really feel like your family isn't complete (and not just have that longing for babyness.....i have that sometimes...but I know I really don't want another), like Emmy said....maybe you should explore your options.