I had to run some errands earlier and I promised Bog Boy we would pick him up something small from TRU. Since having the hysterectomy in June, I always steer clear of the infant isles an any store I go to. It just makes things easier. I guess I must have been daydreaming today because before I knew it I looked up and was surrounded by bassinets and little baby hats and booties.
I felt sick, physically ill. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. For some reason, I continued to look around at all the things I will never need again. I noticed some new products and some old favorites that I couldn't live without when BB was an infant. All the while, I was fighting off being sick right in the store.
Does this make me a terrible person. I know I am so unbelievably lucky to have my son and I would die for him. I just wonder if I did the right thing having this hysterectomy? Sure, I was always sick and in constant pain but, could I have tried a few more cycles of Lupron? Maybe I could have given a different birth control a chance? Part of me feels something could have been done to control the endometriosis which caused my infertility. Did my body just give up?
I have an attic full of baby clothes, toys and equipment that could easily be donated somewhere but I just can't bring myself to go up there and sort through it. I have tons of maternity clothes just collecting dust. I refuse to give them away. When will I start to feel whole again. When will I forgive myself for not being able to give BB a little brother or sister.
I'm sure over time I will begin to feel better about all this but right I'm in a bad place. I need to figure out how to get past all of this and not look back.